I went to the rally for Tookie Williams for a little bit tonight.
I wasn’t sure why I was going–usually I’m not much of a rally-goer–but I felt like I needed to, I was so full of rage and sadness about how this all went down that I needed to put it somewhere.
When I got there, I realized my job was to stand on the corner there outside the federal building and pray–silent prayers that nobody else could see. And I think I needed to be there to be able to give myself permisison to feel something, to let my heart tear open. Even if all I felt was helplessness and anger, at least it was better than being numb.
I cried, sort of, these shaking dry sobs that couldn’t quite get down into the place where the real wet tears happen. Maybe it was all the guys with the cameras around, it didn’t feel like the place to break down, I just couldn’t quite let myself. Or maybe the part of me that’s pain averse kicked in, I don’t know.
I didn’t stay late. I went and had dinner with friends who are pregnant and moving and changing jobs and flourishing, and let myself get nourished by that.
May God protect you, Tookie. Safe passage, and on behalf of America, I’m sorry we failed you.